Practicing Self-Determinism

One of the main points emphasized in this paper is how the deliberate creation of our experiences and life stories contribute to the happiness and meaning we experience. Living deliberately can be accomplished through the reciprocal relationships between self-efficacy, growth mindsets, and intentional challenging goal attainment. These principles apply equally well to goals for personal growth, personal achievement and the cultivation of relationships
Through self-determinism we intentionally transform experiences into wisdom, wisdom into beneficial perspectives, and beneficial perspectives into happy satisfying life stories. Our life stories serve as the contexts through which we experience our lives, and they form the collective beliefs about ourselves, life and other people. Our ever changing selves and life stories are intertwined. Changing our selves changes our life stories; changing our stories changes our selves. Changing our beliefs through the process of self-determinism alters the context of our lives, editing the appraisal of many past and future experiences.
Self-determinism is a thriving practice that fosters authenticity, as opposed to the non-authentic self-promotion resulting from self-esteem striving. Michael Kernis and Brian Goldstein, while at the University of Georgia, studied many important components of personal authenticity. Authenticity is associated with nearly all positive mental and physical health outcomes. Instead of being perpetual actors, authentic individuals have a high degree of self-awareness, unbiased processing of experiences, transparent behavior and self-disclosure in close relationships.
The practice of self-determinism requires commitment and work, not metaphysical wizardry. It can be adopted as a daily or regular form of self and life enhancement like, or in connection with prayer and meditation. To live a self-determined and deliberate life, first make a conscious and powerful commitment to an intentional regular practice of honest self-observation. Set specific times apart for adaptive reflection on your observations and experiences, ensuring that you are constructing healthy meaningful narratives with your life. Finally, solve life challenges and embrace continual positive growth by making and keeping commitments for constructive changes.
Creating Transformative Experiences
Important changes in adaptive behavior have consistently been found to result from transformative experiences in which feelings and thoughts are altered. Astute researchers, and practitioners who understood this, started using a well proven approach to increase motivation and self-efficacy called experiential learning. Experiential exercises walk individuals through successful practice sessions of beneficial behaviors. Experiential exercises are successful if they increase the individual's belief in the value of the practice, and his belief in his ability to control a desirable outcome. They also provided behavioral options for old situational cues.
Results with this experiential learning method were very promising. Walking people through successful thriving practices, as opposed to simply discussing them, alters their beliefs about the value of those practices and their ability to get the desired results. The same benefits can be realized when we direct ourselves to experiment with what we know to be established thriving practices with sufficient commitment to get the same results. The tendency of thriving experiences to act as both the cause and effect of such personal resources as beneficial beliefs was called the adaptive cycle in an earlier section.
David Kolb at Case Western Reserve University described the adaptive cycle of learning as “grasping and transforming experience”. The cycle starts with critical “hands on” experiences, and moves through the stages of adaptive reflection, concept utilization and active experimentation. Adaptive reflection creates insight and wisdom from both positive and negative experiences and increased motivation to recreate positive experiences. Constructive concept utilization strengthens beneficial perspectives, which guides planning and on the spot responses to immediate challenges to sustain focus on lifestyle goals.
Active experimentation with more beneficial perspectives and actions brings the individual back to new rewarding transformative experiences that continue to reinforce the learning and adaptation. This cycle applies to individuals directing their own learning experiences, as well as to educators and counselors teaching and supporting beneficial practices.
One unexpected research finding was that success in initial sessions of many experiential exercises produced major changes in perspectives and more positive well-being than anticipated by the subjects and the researchers. Many changes were not gradual, but came as “ah ha” moments in which subjects experienced transformations in their beliefs about the value of and self-efficacy for the practice. After reaching these moments, subjects with increased motivation wanted to practice the particular aspect of self-care. Control was now in their hands.
Experiential learning is the core process in a workshop for couples that I developed, called Thriving in Marriage. Most sessions of the workshop include private couple dialogs. These dialogs are highly structured exercises with explicit guidelines for positive behaviors and anticipated outcomes. In most cases, the participants behave in ways that are new and exciting to them. They find that they can follow the positive guidelines and have valuable intimate experiences with their spouses. These exercises result in significant “ah ha” moments for most of the participants that realign them with the positive hopes and expectations that they had for their marriages when they wed.
Similar exercises have been developed for a variety of practices. One of the most profound to date is the gratitude letter. This exercise requires the individual to write a heartfelt letter expressing gratitude to another individual, particularly one to whom gratitude previously has been under-expressed. The gratitude expressed is to go beyond what the letter receiver would expect. Then, the writer makes an appointment to read and hand over the letter to the recipient. Most individuals who do this report intense connection, intimacy and lingering joy. The “ah ha” moment is the intense realization of the value of experiencing and expressing gratitude, both to the giver and the receiver.
For some individuals, the gratitude letter experience turns into a “life-changing event”, and for others it sets them on a gradual upward path to greater loving kindness. Events which result in change of any sort generally have a high degree of novelty and/ or result in intense emotional experiences. Novelty is the experience of something new and unexpected. Life changing events usually include intense emotional experiences that change life themes. It is the novelty and positive emotional intensity of the couple dialogs and gratitude letters that bring this about.
Valuing self-care and other beneficial life practices flows from personal experiences, even if many of these experiences do not have the same degree of positive emotional intensity as the gratitude letter. Sometimes people develop beneficial practices that they learn growing up, or as the result of being in a culture that expects the practices. Sometimes people just happen into fortuitous events and experiences that promote beneficial practices. However, most of the time such practices are acquired over time through a strong sense of self-direction, commitment and life outcomes.
Constructive experience-based learning can alter some emotional barriers to beneficial practices, as well as reinforce a sense of control over one self and over one's life. With increased application, thriving practices become more rewarding and more habitual. In addition to workshop participation, experiential learning can be self-directed. That process is covered in more detail in the section on practicing self-determinism.
Objective Self-Observation
The most important self-observations are those that expose our beliefs about the persons and relevant situations which activate them. Our beliefs are expressed as thoughts, feeling and actions that arise from our life themes. To keep self-observation honest, there must be an active part of our minds that is objective and non-judgmental. Sometimes this function of our minds is called the “observer”. We have to locate this ability in ourselves and develop it. It is related to the practice of self-distancing described earlier.
Self-observation does not involve analysis. It is a process of recording the most accurate truth that we can perceive. With practice, observations become more objective and truthful. Our thoughts, feelings and actions are part of the truth, but there is another related part. That is, what we are responding to. Both parts are essential information to examine later in our reflections.
We have direct access to our thoughts and feelings. We can see ourselves internally interacting with our environments in ways that no other person can see. Without focused objective observation of our thoughts and feelings at the time of these interactions, remembering them after the fact is only marginally beneficial for adaptive reflection. This is particularly true when we react defensively and recall experiences from biased perspectives. Counseling and therapy assists clients to wade through the biases of their perspectives and memories in order to reflect adaptively.
Unbiased self-observations foster disclosures of ourselves to ourselves. It would seem that we could know ourselves better than anyone. Hopefully, this is true. But people we are close to us form some beliefs about us that are more true than our own. While a secondary source of information, the observations of those we trust to be truly caring can be helpful as well. There are systems used with business managers to solicit anonymous observations and impressions from those they work with for use in professional coaching.
Adaptive Reflection
While we are willing to schedule time for work, meals, recreation, exercise, and social interactions, the vast majority of people seldom think to schedule time for reflective self-examination. Valuable time and energy spent worrying could be replaced with adaptive reflections. Even people who pray and meditate regularly may do little adaptive reflecting if it is not an integral part of those practices.
Reflection sessions should be conducted when you feel calm and safe enough to process your experiences rationally. Engaging the relaxation response and/or emotional support might be warranted to get into this state. Adaptive reflection requires access to a thriving state. Practicing the activities outlined in the chart on Thriving Responses to Life Challenges can set the stage for reflection.
Reflection can be accomplished in a variety of formats, but just thinking about things is not a productive one. Mental associations tend to take minds in circles that provide only small benefits. One powerful and highly recommended way to reflect is through journaling. Having to put thoughts into text requires a level of rational processing that is much clearer and more useful than the thoughts themselves. Journal entries ideally record experiences at early stages when perceptions are most active. They add preciseness to the analysis of experiences, and record insights into life themes as they occur. They help clarify goals and plans, including outlines of steps to be taken.
Many people benefit from reflecting with a friend or counselor. If you do this, take your journal with you and use it. The section on cultivating relationships provides guidelines for selecting counselors. Others find prayer and meditation to be helpful ways to reflect. When praying, privately talk aloud as you would with a counselor, but verbalize both sides of the conversation. You may perceive the other side of the conversation as coming from your truest self, a source of divinity or both. Having to put thoughts into spoken words has some of the advantages of putting them into written words. Transcribe the most important insights into your journal to get the full benefit of counseling and prayer.
The insights that result from reflections often include greater understanding of the emotional themes which give rise to beliefs and actions. These themes may operate as important consolidations of old experiences that remain rather unconscious until they are activated by new related experiences or memories. On a practical level, it is most helpful to focus on the beliefs which arise from themes, since altering beliefs modifies thoughts, themes, feelings and behavior. I refer to the joint activity of focusing on enabling beliefs and the challenging limiting beliefs as creating perspectives.
The two most important parts of adaptive reflection are creating perspectives and solving problems. Perspectives are constellations of related beliefs which reliably arise in particular kinds of situations. This includes beliefs about oneself, God, others, the world and life. Of particular importance are beliefs that psychologists refer to as attributions. Attributions are beliefs about the causes and effects in one's life, or why things happen as they do. This includes beliefs about the motives of others and the influence of situations, areas of life themes easily distorted by defensive reactivity.
An important distinction between types of attributions is whether the causes perceived for life events are temporary or permanent, and whether the perceived causes come from inside or outside the believer. Most causes in our lives tend to be temporary, enabling us to solve problems. We have also seen that most causes for our problems include something we believe and do that we can change. Optimistic self-determined people tend to be more accurate in their attributions, taking appropriate responsibility for what they are doing and experiencing greater influence in their environments.
Perspectives which support thriving tend to be enabling, and they feel that way. They promote and sustain constructive goals and behaviors, and reflect gratitude, compassion and forgiveness. Reflective self-examination exposes both the beneficial and limiting beliefs in our perspectives. Subsequent actions that are based on enabling beliefs validate those beliefs. It takes considerable practice for most people to create and state enabling beliefs, but most well-meaning individuals will recognize them when they hear them. Being able to formulate truly enabling beliefs is a critical component in directing our own lives.
Some beliefs that support defending are beneficial in specific situations, but are limiting when applied outside the situations. Most beliefs that support chronic defending are limiting, and deserve to be challenged. They are based in negative thoughts and feelings, and maintain rather than solve problems. Just bringing these beliefs and their consequences into the light of conscious awareness is often sufficient to begin a serious challenge. Realizing that such beliefs are inaccurate, irrational or no longer useful can complete the challenge.
Beliefs are exposed by reflecting on our observed thoughts, feelings and actions and asking the right questions. For instance: “What might I believe that causes me to struggle to fulfill this particular commitment?” “What might I believe that causes such intense anxiety when I am asked my opinion?” “What is it about my interaction with my neighbor that causes me to become so irritated?” This type of causal analysis leads to more beneficial perspectives.
Problem-solving is the other major aspect of adaptive reflection. It is equally suited to achieving personal growth, solving distressful situations and directing personal goal attainments. It begins with an enabling perspective that produces a workable statement of the problem. Many problem-solving efforts are misguided because solutions are attempted before the nature of the problem is well understood and adequately stated. This shotgun approach is often an attempt to avoid adaptive reflection by just throwing resources at problems. Do not proceed with a solution to an ill-defined problem. Instead, gather good information from self-observation and dialog with others, and spend designated time to reflect on it.
Defining the problem with a realistic understanding of your own responsibility, or role you are and can play, invites solutions that put you in control. Considering yourself to be an innocent bystander or victim is limiting and frustrating. Where you have no realistic control, the problem is how you are responding, internally, externally or both. Realization of this invites solutions that change you without targeting the situation.
Time spent in conscious reflection may not produce immediate potential solutions, but it primes your mind to work adaptively on problems. Many solutions seem to occur without provocation some time after the issues are considered intentionally. Journaling and discussing possible solutions with a trusted friend or counselor requires you to put solutions into words, providing a clearer direction for goal-setting.
Commitment to Personal Changes
The third aspect of self-determinism is making and keeping commitments for beneficial personal changes. Commitments reflect dedicated persistent pursuit of the personal behavioral changes undertaken to reach goals. The best goals focus primarily on behavioral changes, and secondarily on life outcomes and personal transformations. Written goals and plans with precise behavioral steps represent much better targets for personal change than unwritten and imprecise goals. Successful plans include clear outcome and behavioral goals, and ways to maintain a clear focus on both. Behavioral goals specify exactly what you are going to do to achieve the outcomes you desire.
To reach meaningful goals in our lives small steps are ideal. Each constructive behavioral change, no matter how small, reinforces our capability to control ourselves and influence our environments. It gives us confidence to continue onward. We have seen throughout this paper that self-control is simply our histories of self-directedness, a quality that can be cultivated like many others. When we exercise self-control in one situation, not only for the outcomes in our lives but also for the growth in ourselves, we have more self-control in the next situation.
To send ourselves in new directions, we must explode into new trajectories with bursts of energy and commitment. As we saw in the section on adopting beneficial practices, simple intention usually gets derailed. These trajectories must create desirable experiences that validate our expenditures of energy and other resources, and reinforce our capabilities to control ourselves and influence our environments. Our experiences should provide positive outcomes in our lives, and reward us with the sense of autonomy, competence and belonging to others.
There are different valid paths of self-determinism, depending on the nature of the trajectory one sets. Personal growth goals focus mainly on changes in knowledge, skills, emotional resilience and loving kindness. Coping with distressing situations and realizing personal attainments may require somewhat different orientations. However there are two universal strategies that support each of these outcomes: setting transformational targets and engaging self-directed experiential learning.
Setting a transformational target means getting clear, committed and focused on what you want to change about yourself and your life. This usually results from deep adaptive reflection. Experiential learning involves a strong desire and willingness to learn and grow from experience. If we set trajectories, our lives will provide us with needed experiences. Constructively changing our beliefs and actions is the main outcome of self-examination and avenue to self-actualization.
A major aspect of commitment to goals is holding them in mental focus and reviewing them often. One way to do this is to create social support and accountability through the help of a friend or counselor. Another way is to review and profess beneficial beliefs regularly, and as needed in critical situations, to maintain enabling perspectives.
It often helps to include enabling beliefs in the self-talk you use to walk yourself through challenging situations. Positive self-talk is the sub-verbal rehearsal of enabling perspectives that have been created to guide constructive responses to expected challenges. Enabling perspectives are created by professing and testing beneficial beliefs, and challenging the limiting beliefs that are likely to arise from defensive reactivity.
Remember that thriving people adapt and grow in life largely through the reciprocal interaction of beliefs and actions. In addition to the creation of beneficial beliefs, we must also experiment with new constructive behaviors. These behaviors become part of our action plans to changes ourselves and our lives. This experimentation produces information that validates and strengthens beliefs.
Individuals that persist in goal directions are likely to anticipate challenges and setbacks. They attribute most of these occurrences to things they can change though a conscious course direction. So, they respond to failures as necessary learning experiences. One way to respond to anticipated challenges is to prepare through mental rehearsal. This involves visualizing critical or difficult situations, professing beneficial perspectives, and mentally practicing constructive behaviors. This differs considerably from fearful anticipation and worrying, since the visualizations are optimistic.
Using Written Tools
The main tool for self-determinism is your journal. Record your observations, reflection questions and answers, and plans. There is a great power in language. What you say has greater clarity than what you think. What you write down has greater clarity than what you say. Writing goals and action plans is essential, and keeping a written record of progress is highly beneficial. Make your journal a tool rather than just a record of your experiences. Use it to analyze as well as record your experiences.
Several start-up tools are provided on the two worksheets at the end of this section. These worksheets are dynamic tools to be used over time, so the entries can be changed as you progress toward your goals and commitments. The first worksheet is an assessment of your satisfaction with many important areas of your life. This is designed to guide you in selecting a specific area of positive change in your life.
The second worksheet is a tool for creating a beneficial perspective to support the commitment you have written. Write the commitment in the circle and keep this worksheet as long as you are focused on that commitment. List limiting beliefs at the top as you discover them. Look for them in your defensive reactivity. They are revealed in negative thoughts feelings and actions that arise when your commitment is challenged by difficult situations and the actions of others. These active beliefs might be only marginally related to your current situation, but more related to past experiences that should have little bearing on the present.
Look for beneficial beliefs that are based on a more optimistic and compassionate orientation. These are beliefs based on memories of positive people and desirable outcomes that you have observed and experienced. They may come from recollections of when you were successful, and remind you of personal resources you have developed and relied on in the past. They may reflect core values that you have been ignoring. They may remind you that you are responsible and capable. Write these beneficial beliefs in the spaces provided on the worksheet. Refer and add to them regularly, especially in challenging situations.
On a deeper level, beliefs are a window into the psychological themes that collectively compose our life stories. Self-determinism is the creation of life stories filled with happiness and satisfaction. This is a continuous life-long practice. Experiences that represent adversity in one period of life can take on different meanings as our stories progress. Through self-determinism the demands of life can become the sources of personal growth.
Self-determinism is a key practice in a thriving in life. It can be incorporated into a person’s lifestyle in the same manner as prayer or meditation, or even be an essential part of these practices. Regular self-determinism practices guide the constructive personal changes that build the psychological, physical, social and spiritual resources that sustain happiness and satisfaction in life.